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Hungry and Addicted Again
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jean's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
11:41 am
When will I realize how much simpler life is when single? lol
Saturday, February 27th, 2010
8:33 pm
"Ms. Calkins, I love having you for my teacher. I want you to be the fifth grade teacher here next year."

:)
Sunday, February 14th, 2010
9:54 pm
Gross. I'm extremely close to being a full-fledged adult.
Saturday, January 2nd, 2010
6:11 pm
2010
A new year. Well, I graduate this year, hopefully start my first teaching job, maybe begin my Linguistics degree or Master's in Curriculum. My resolution every year is to lose weight, but whatever. I never stick to that anyway.
Things are great how they are right now. Great relationship, successful teaching and academic record, steady job. I'm not even going to set any real goals, because I don't need to. I feel pretty confident about 2010.
Monday, December 28th, 2009
12:35 pm
Dashums
I love my cat more than I think is socially acceptable without the label of "cat lady." Not weird.
Sunday, December 20th, 2009
11:48 am
Everything is so amazing!!! I am loving life, and so grateful for it.
Monday, November 16th, 2009
7:53 pm
I'll keep your memory vague.
Monday, November 2nd, 2009
12:36 pm
"Ms. Calkins, when you go through puberty, do you pee red?"

Ugh, fourth grade boys...
Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
2:17 pm
So I said, "I am Ezra!"
So it's really done this time.  It feels really strange that finally it's ME that's throwing this out now, but I'm ready for it to just die.  No matter what he says now that he has made up his mind, I'm being tough, because I have realized what is best for me.  It can't be this.

If something is really right, it shouldn't take this much work.  I am all for salvaging something possible, but I am sick of trying to force the impossible on myself.

On to newer and better things.
Thursday, October 15th, 2009
4:14 pm
I suck? Yeah, pretty much.
I was just nonchalantly talking to Luke about this and that when a weird, unexpected truth just popped out of me.

"Purpose was something I used to look for in other people.  Then, I realized it was in teaching." 

I didn't even realize that about myself until I said it lol.
Saturday, August 29th, 2009
10:41 pm
I'll make you wish...
In these words that crash my ears
I now stomach this in fear
With the turn I gathered name as the bastard's son
Who by fire I would come
Through this wire I might cut
Atop this tower of loss and lust

I'll gravitate towards you
I will in the now hate you

I'll make you wish
You hadn't burned our time before
I'll live through this in a manner
Cursed at my own accord

If my shame spills our worth across this floor
Then tonight, goodnight, I'm burning star IV
Only I don't even think of you
No, I don't want to think of you anymore
Goodnight, tonight, goodbye
Goodnight, tonight, goodbye

In my presence you might wake
Through this fiction I must fake
Your death to grace, the face of my character
With these lessons he might learn
All the worlds from here must burn
For as God demands in the end we miss

If my shame spills our worth across this floor
Then tonight, goodnight, I'm burning star IV
Only I don't even think of you
No, I don't want to think of you anymore
Goodnight, tonight, goodbye
Goodnight, tonight, goodbye

I'll make you wish
You hadn't burned our time before
I'll live through this in a manner
Cursed at my own accord
I don't want to go

So come on bitch, why aren't you laughing now?
You left me here to fend on my own
So cry on bitch, why aren't you laughing now?

If my shame spills our worth across this floor
Then tonight, goodnight, I'm burning star IV
Only I don't even think of you
No, I don't want to think of you anymore
Goodnight, tonight, goodbye
Goodnight, tonight, goodbye

Only I don't even think of you
No good life, don't want to think of you anymore
Goodnight, tonight, goodbye
Goodnight, tonight, goodbye

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009
9:43 am
(Chuck enters, wearing one of Alissa's shirts with horsies all over it.)

Jean:  Men don't wear shirts like that.

Chuck:  You mean this bad ass shirt with awesome stallions on it?

Jean:  I would call them colts or ponies at best.

Chuck:  More like death-seeking doom stallions.




I hate my brother.
Thursday, July 30th, 2009
4:39 pm
You've given me a heart like a gun

Well, well, well.  Here I am again, feeling lonely and unimportant.  Recurring theme for me.  When will I use up all my bad karma and find something that works?

I put my all into this one.  He can say a lot about me I suppose, but he can never say I didn't try.  I was really naive enough to think that if both parties really, really loved eachother and were willing to work at the relationship, that sheer desire to stick together would prevail.  It appears I was wrong.  Two opposite personalities can't force themselves to mesh.  I can try all I want to, but in the end I can't just turn into a different person.  I am Jean Calkins, and I have worked too hard to be happy with who I am to change that now.

Even though this time I am confident that this is the right decision, it's terrible.  I hate every single part of this.  Any positive outcomes of this situation are dwarfed in my mind by all that I will lose.

My grandmother's house is hot, sticky, and really, really quiet.  I am left to sit here alone and reflect with discomfort on my own thoughts.  Discomfort with my very own skin.


Tuesday, July 21st, 2009
12:46 am
How did everything in my life turn into something I abhor so quickly?
Saturday, July 18th, 2009
8:18 pm
I want to tear my hair out.
Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
4:16 pm
It's morbid that I love this
No longer mourn for me when I am dead
Than you shall hear the surly sullen bell
Give warning to the world that I am fled
From this vile world with vilest worms to dwell.
Nay, if you read this line, remember not
The hand that writ it, for I love you so
That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot
If thinking on me then should make you woe.
O, if, I say, you look upon this verse
When I perhaps compounded am with clay,
Do not so much as my poor name rehearse,
But let your love even with my life decay,
       Lest the wise world should look into your moan,
       And mock you with me after I am gone.

I have to memorize that for a class.  I had my choice of any of Shakespeare's sonnets, and this was my favorite.  Although the one about vaginas is good too lol.
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
1:58 pm
Problems, problems, problems.

The problem I can speak of on a public forum such as LJ is regarding my new kitty, Dash.  I only just got Dash, but I quickly fell inlove with him.  He is so beautiful, loving, and cuddly.  But he needed vaccines, he is just 6 months old.  I took him to the vet and found out that he has serious cancer.  He is on steroids and other meds now, but the chances they will work are slim.  If they don't work, Dash would need very expensive, painful surgery, and the chances this will work are slim too.  

So there it is.  This is why I am an atheist.  If there is a God in the first place, he fucking hates me, therefore I refuse to dignify his cause with belief.
Thursday, March 26th, 2009
5:12 pm
Why is everything suddenly so fucking hard?

What is wrong with me?
Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009
3:49 pm
Dead and gone, dead and gone.
Friday, February 27th, 2009
3:53 am
They always say that you really know how a friend/significant other really is when the going gets rough.
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